Growing up, I have had so many moments that have
marked my life in a special way. I am a person who has a warm heart and gives
love in all I do. My most memorable memory was not long ago. It made me see my
life with eyes of hope and a strong heart. It made my faith grow so much that
the pain did not feel as bad.
In April 2017 I
married my other half, Mario. Before the
big day, we had plenty of conversations about children. We agreed to wait a year to become parents
and enjoy our marriage in the meantime.
But after the wedding, our plans changed. We both desired a baby. We excitedly made an
appointment with the OBGYN as soon as we could.
Once there, we were surprised to find out that our chance of getting
pregnant was minimal, due to a medical issue.
For a few moments, we felt heartbroken, but our shared faith quickly
gave us the assurance that anything was possible. We arrived home, we talked, and we decided to
keep trying. We put all our faith in
God, trusting He would provide a miracle.
Towards the end of May 2017, my period was late but I
did not think much of it. Days passed,
then weeks. I finally decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive! I was
shocked and so excited. I knew it was God’s perfect plan and thanked him in a
prayer full of tears. When Mario got home, he headed straight to the shower and
I snuck the positive test on his night stand. As we were getting ready for bed,
he put his phone down on the night stand; saw the test, looked at me with shining
eyes and asked, “Is this yours?” I nodded with a big smile on my face and
tears. At the time, we were staying at
my parents’ house until our home was ready to move into. After he and I shared our moment of joy,
Mario ran to the living room announcing he was going to be a father. It was a
beautiful moment. My parents were so happy and I saw the love reflected in
their eyes. My father was in the middle
of his cancer treatment and seeing his smile completed my happy moment. He was my best friend and I knew what he
felt, knowing his only daughter was giving him a grandbaby. Our hearts
connected.
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| First picture taken by my husband |
Mario and I began our regular doctor visits, eager to
see the progress of our tiny miracle. Every visit was exciting. Hearing the
baby’s strong heartbeat was beautiful. It was as if the baby felt the same joy
to be part of our lives. To us, every visit was like a trip to the future. We
talked about names, if it was a boy or a girl, how they would be great in math
like Mario and love reading like myself.
We always imagined our baby so perfect and beautiful.
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| Mario playing doctor |
We made the visits fun. Once, Mario played doctor
before the actual doctor walked in by talking to the baby and measuring my
stomach. We laughed until I cried. As first-time-parents, we had so many
questions and our amazing doctor made sure she answered all of them. She was so patient with us. We felt lucky
because we knew couples who only had a couple of ultrasounds during their
pregnancy, but we were getting one and a picture at every visit we made! I was actually able to distinguish my baby’s
silhouette. I had never been able to see other babies’ silhouettes when their
mothers would show me their ultrasound pictures, but I could see my baby’s because
it was my child. I had decided to start
a journal and I wrote about my day with my baby. If anything new came up, I
wrote it thinking one day they would like to read it. I made sure to write in
my journal with so much detail, thinking the day they would read it would be
like walking through their creation.
We shared our happiness with everyone around us:
friends, family and coworkers. We felt the love and joy from each one of them.
I am so blessed to work in an environment of prayer and faith. I would
constantly get my coworkers to pray for us. Weeks passed by and I saw my
stomach growing. It was amazing! I would talk to my baby and would tell share
what my pregnancy tracking app would say about how he was growing: the size of their hands, legs and heart. I knew God’s timing was perfect and I
prayed to and thanked Him daily. My family would ask about the sex of the baby.
We had no clue. In every ultrasound, we couldn’t tell. You can know ahead of time by a blood test and
yes, we decided to do the blood test. We were really hoping to be able to see
it in the ultrasound, but instead we received an envelope with the sex of the
baby. My brother and sister-in-law were the ones in charge of the gender
reveal. They filled a huge black balloon with confetti: blue indicating a boy or pink indicating a
girl. We had family and friends over for the big surprise. I thought it would
be a boy, my husband thought it was a girl. Excitement and adrenaline filled
our hearts. A needle was all we needed. My husband poked the balloon. Big surprise,
there was blue confetti everywhere! It was amazing. My heart burst with joy. I
was crying of happiness at such a memorable moment. I received so many hugs and
congratulations, I felt as if I had the world in my hands, like there was no
other happy moment ever.  |
| Baby Shower at my job. |
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| Here we are with our blessed mother |
On August 18, 2017, we had our five month checkup. We
were sent to get an ultrasound to measure my dear sweet baby boy and see him in
3D. I remember stopping at a donut shop to pick up fast breakfast and chocolate
milk. I had heard that eating like this would make the baby move and we would
be able to see him turning. We arrived at the clinic and filled out all the
paperwork. I kept drinking my milk and talking to my son, telling him he needed
to move so we could see him. They called my name and as I walked in, they asked
me to use the restroom first because I would be lying down for a while, so I
did. I remember walking into the
examination room and noticing that it felt so cold. My husband sat next to me
in a chair and held my hand. The ultrasound tech turned on a big TV screen and
told us we would see him there. She proceeded by putting a very cold gel on my
tummy and placing the transducer probe on my stomach. His very strong heart
beat made us smile. The tech was measuring our baby from head to toes. I smiled
at my husband and asked questions as the technician was doing her job. She
would stop and take measurements and describe what part of the baby’s body it
was. I laid there very happy. An hour
went by and the technician gave me a break, so I ate a donut hoping the sugar
would get him to move more. Again, a very cold gel on my stomach and his
heartbeat; it was beautiful. She printed some pictures and gave them to
us. She then asked us to wait in a room
for a specialist who was going to do a video chat and explain the procedure. As
we patiently waited, we talked about and focused on a different subject. The technician walked in and said the video
was not working and asked us to go to a different office at another location
and validated our parking ticket. As we walked in the parking lot trying to get
to our car, my husband looked at me and asked, “You think there is something
wrong?” I smiled and said, “No. I am sure they will talk to us about birth
options. Nothing is wrong with our baby.” He said, “You are right.”
We arrived at the doctor’s office and noticed the door
said “Fetal Specialist”. I had no idea
what that meant, but walked in with confidence. We waited there and filled out
some more paperwork. A nurse came up to
us and asked, “Mrs. Portillo, in case of an emergency, would you want your
child to have a blood transfusion?” I looked at her and said, “Yes, but why are
you asking?” She then said it was part of the paperwork. They called my name
and my husband and I walked into the office. They asked me to lay down and
someone would be with us. A young woman walked in and asked me to verify my
date of birth and full name. She then placed a warm gel to proceed with the
ultrasound. We were seeing our baby on a
screen. The technician asked me to be patient, that this would take a while and
I could ask her to stop if I needed to take a break. My husband held my hand
and talked to me to help me keep calm and comfortable. He then asked her if
everything was good, she replied saying a doctor would talk to us once she was
done. I kept my eyes focused on all she was doing and the numbers she was
recording and inputting in every ultrasound picture. Another hour had passed by
and I asked for a break because my back was hurting and I felt tired. After the
technician left the room, I was able to get up and walk for a bit. She came back and continued. After another
hour and a half, she said she was done and we needed to wait for the doctor to
talk to us. We waited patiently. My heart was screaming. I closed my eyes to
try to hear my heart and although I was praying, I felt a bit scared. The
doctor walked in and asked me to lay back. He checked me then asked me to sit
up. He started pointing to our son’s pictures and started explaining, “In the
ultrasounds, we were able to identify that your son’s bones have stopped
growing. The measurements show him at 15 or 16 weeks and you are now 20 weeks
pregnant.” I asked what all that meant. My husband put his hand on my shoulder
and the doctor proceeded, “His rib cage has not closed and it should be closed
by this time, allowing the lungs to be placed correctly. Since this has not happened, it is very
likely that in a situation like this his bones will not grow anymore.” My face
felt numb, I couldn’t process nothing at the moment when he was explaining to me.
He said, “I am sorry but your son will not make it after birth. Chances are he will probably not be able to
breathe without you. Once exposed to air, he won’t be capable of doing it
alone.” My body was frozen. I felt a cold breeze running through my veins. I
had no reaction. I was sitting there, nodding my head saying I understood. The
doctor stepped out and gave us some time alone. Once the door closed, the tears
ran down my face. I turned to my husband and grabbed him from his hips tightly,
not wanting to let go. I felt as if a building had dropped on top of me. I lost
every thought. My head was spinning, I couldn’t speak. I felt so vulnerable.
A counselor came in and asked us to move to a
different room. She gave us some more time alone before she would return to
talk to us about our options. There, I asked my husband to call my younger
brother and his wife. He is a Houston Firefighter and paramedic and my
sister-in-law is a nurse. I figured an
extra pair of ears for medical terminology would be a big help. I asked them to bring my mom with them.
We waited in a very small room with a view to a
different building. I was unable to contain my tears; there were so many, I
couldn’t stop. My husband hugged me tight and kept saying everything would be
fine. I kept checking my phone hoping my brother was near. I had an impulse to
delete all social media in my phone and I did it in that moment. My mind was
blank, I had no thoughts. I wanted to say so many things, but was unable to get
any words out. A counselor walked in the room and said she would like to talk
about some options. Before making any decisions on additional testing, she
asked “Would you and your husband like to continue with this pregnancy?” I
picked up my head and turned to her and said “yes” with no doubt at all. She
made it clear to us this was part of her job and she understood and respected
any decision we made. As she was talking I was only looking at her lips moving,
yet I was not listening to everything she was telling us. She then asked if we
were interested in additional testing and I opened my mouth to say I would not
make any decisions until my brother arrived. I am very sure she had no idea why
I had said that, but she respectfully said she would give us the time needed
and stepped out.
After minutes of waiting, my brother, sister-in-law
and mother arrived. When they came into the room, they asked what was wrong. I
couldn’t look at any of them in their face; I was so afraid and so sad, and felt
very weak. Mario explained to them what had happened. My mother held me tight
and started crying. My sister-in-law and my brother had teary eyes. They were
expecting their first baby boy in three months. The counselor walked in and
asked if she could talk to us about options for testing. She recommended having
an amniocentesis done on the baby and she explained it would be a long needle
going in through my stomach into my placenta and removing liquid. I became afraid
and asked if this testing would hurt my son at all, she said there was a small
chance. I was so grateful my sister-in-law was there; she asked all the
questions I would have asked. She asked the counselor if this testing could be
done after my baby was born and she answered yes, so we decided to wait. Before
we left, she told my husband and me: “In the state of Texas you have up to 22
weeks to have an abortion. After that, we would need to send a letter to Austin,
Texas to explain the reason for the abortion. Please think about this.” I
looked at her straight into her eyes and said: “As long as there is a heartbeat
and my life is not at any risk, my son will continue living. Thank you, but we
are not interested. We will proceed to full term.”
As we walked out to make a follow-up appointment, I
held my husband very tight because I felt as if everyone knew exactly what had
just happened in that room. I felt scared. On our way home, tears kept falling
down my face and I had no way to stop it. I prayed so much and asked God to
heal my son, to help him grow, to make him a healthy baby. We arrived home and I
walked straight into my room to lay down for a while and keep talking to God. I
said, “Dear God, You know me, you know my heart. Everything You have done in my
life has been Your plan; I am putting my son in Your hands and placing my heart
and all that might hurt in this process in Your hands as well. I believe in You
and know that Your plan is always perfect.” I got up from my bed and as I was
walking out, I opened the door and my dad was standing right in front of me. My
mother and Mario had explained to him what had happened. He gave me a big hug
and I just felt like a little girl lost and found by her father; I cried and
held him and told him it was going to be okay. He told me, “I am going to pray
and ask God to give you a healthy baby and if I have to go for him to stay, I
will gladly do it.” I told my dad everything was in God’s hands and we had to
trust in Him. He kissed my forehead and said, “You are a strong woman and I
will be here during this process and always”. We stood there together and cried.
He hugged me tight and said to be faithful, that God had this situation in His hands.
I had a meeting that day and Mario went to see his parents while I was gone. I
knew his heart was crushed and he was trying to be strong. I was going to be a sponsor
for my little cousin in her Confirmation. My aunt saw me and knew, because my
mother had called her. She hugged me and said she would be praying for us and
for my baby boy.
Later that afternoon, my brother had a dinner party to
celebrate his birthday. We attended the party and we tried to enjoy it. I felt
like all eyes were looking at me. In that moment, my inner self wanted to run
away and hide to cry. My mother did not
contain her anxiety and mentioned it to my brothers. I felt all the support
from them; they made sure I understood they would be with me every step of the
way. My heart felt happy. I knew that their reaction was coming from their
heart and it hurt them to know the situation of my pregnancy.
We followed up with our doctor the following week and
we were told the diagnosis might be Skeletal Dysplasia. This is a condition
that affects a child’s bone and cartilage growth. The doctor explained my
child’s rib cage had not closed and his arms had stopped growing. This happens
one in four thousand pregnancies. Many
thoughts ran through my mind. I went home and Googled the diagnosis and spent
hours looking at children had Skeletal Dysplasia and lived. The percentage was
very low. I remember always telling my husband that I would carry him all my
life if he was unable to walk.
It took me a couple of days after the diagnosis to
start writing again in my journal, but once I did it felt good letting all my
thoughts out and explaining all the love I had for my son.
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| My work Family |
At home, the story was different: my spouse was in
denial of the diagnosis we had received. It was very hard for me to continue at
one point, because I wanted him to be fine. The faith in my heart made me feel
comforted. I knew that if I really believed in God, things would work His way.
My husband stood with his faith but it was so hard to comfort him, to talk to
him about it and also to make plans for what would happen after the birth. He
would stay late at work and come home tired. We had no time to talk. I felt
alone. I needed him to help me make decisions. But my heart understood and knew
this was hard for him as well, so I would give him his space. My comfort zone
was my belly, seeing it grow knowing his heart kept beating and being able to
feel him. My pain would go away. I managed to get the help needed to have the
proper birth plan for my son from the Pro-Life Office from The Archdiocese of
Galveston-Houston. They also helped me with information for the burial. My mind
needed to be ready, but my heart never was. I would ask myself “Who is ever
ready to make plans to bury their own son?”
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| Us at a Christmas luncheon |
During the eighth month of my pregnancy, I decided I
was going to make every day count, so I spent the time going to places I
imagined taking my son. I visited parks, the zoo lights, museums and went out
to eat to places I had never been. I tried to make it as special as I could. I
didn’t know what I was getting ready for on January 4, 2018, I received a call
from Memorial Hospital: a room was ready to start the inducing process. I was
happy, but very nervous. I wanted to cry, but did not know if it was of joy or
of sadness. I was in the hospital for four days trying to have a natural birth,
but had exceeded medication for dilation. They proceeded to perform a C-section.
On January 7, 2018, my son, Vicente F. Roman was born at 11:41 p.m. He was 8
pounds and measured 21 inches long. I was able to see him and hold him. It was
the happiest day of my life. He was alive and breathing. My husband baptized
him in that moment and our son passed away at 12:08 a.m. January 8, 2018. I was
transferred to the recovery room. There, my family started coming in. Although
my son had already passed, we were able to carry him and have everyone else
meet him. I remember seeing everyone crying, but my face had a smile. Concerned my brother asked me if I was okay,
if I had knowledge of what happened. I responded, “Yes, I know. But this is
still the best day of my life. This is my son and I am happy I did everything I
could’ve done to give him life.” My husband became my rock after that day and I
became him. I cried and cried and he stayed strong. It seemed like the roles
had switched. He picked me up from the hardest day of my life. He prayed along
and asked me to confirm my faith every day. He held me through and managed to
put his feelings aside to comfort me.
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| Baby Shower hosted by my family |
I will always remember that day and forever hold it in
my heart. Even with the diagnosis and how they described this moment would be,
my faith kept me strong. I believed in that miracle heartbeat that changed my
life. My son was buried January 12, 2018 in a Catholic cemetery. We picked the
Garden of Angels for him. At the Mass offered for him my husband carried our
son in his arms in a tiny box with tears in his eyes. He made sure he carried
our son just like we wanted to since the first day we found out we were
becoming parents. Till this day, we still carry him in our hearts and he will never
be forgotten. He is our most amazing miracle in this life and in Heaven. A couple
of weeks after we were informed about the results regarding his diagnosis, they
explained that this had been provoked by a misspelled chromosome and we had
nothing to do with this diagnosis. We could try again and the chances of a
repeated diagnosis were 0.01%.
Our sweet little boy changed my life and helped keep
me strong. He renewed my faith every day when I would wake up. He has now
picked a special little baby brother or sister that will be arriving in July
2019. Our faith is strong and we know we have an angel in Heaven that I have called
my son since the day he was conceived. He will forever be my first baby boy.
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Kim was one of the most amazing nurses we met at
Memorial Hermann Hospital
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| Family picture taken by volunteer photographer |
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Our sweet baby boy
My two angels in Heaven
Baby Vicente and my father
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Work
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